I don’t always have to hit rock bottom before I’m motivated to change, but it’s usually the case. This time, I found the limit, the boundary, where I would no longer do the same thing and expect different results.
How long had this been going on? This refrain from living spiritually and contently? For answers, I looked at my podcasts. I usually listened to at least three or more each week. From looking at my favorite podcasts, I hadn’t been listening to them regularly since March. What had happened in those nine months and why did I stop listening?
The answer was found in the mundane. I was stuck in the mundane. Between the bills and jobs, I was stuck. There was no mystery what I was going to do next. I simply woke up every morning, berating myself for not being thinner, cleaning more, working harder, and saving more money. It was a beautiful cycle if you loved putting yourself down and living in a rut.
During this time, my husband lost his mother and me a beloved mother-in-law. I got a new full-time job without completely giving up my previous job. I pushed myself to create more items to sell for Helton Homestead (Website coming soon). I was driven to wake up at 5 am and sew for a few hours, then working for one job for a few hours and then switch to the full-time job until 6 pm. Afterward, I would cook, clean, take care of the dog and cat. It was never-ending the things that needed to be cared for. No vacations. No getaways. No pagan campouts. No get-togethers with friends. I tried joining a meditation group, and it didn’t feel right. I joined a choir, and it didn’t feel right. I tried joining other groups, but they didn’t fit what I needed.
Ultimately, I lost it. I lost my balance and stumbled.
The final straw? The holidays with all their promises and good fucking cheer shoved into two months of denying reality.
I love the holidays. November and December have been months of suspense. A time when the little kid in me woke up and got to play more freely. I loved making gifts for family and friends, watching crappy, cheesy Christmas movies. Cooking enough food to feed a family of six, for a month.
Perhaps that’s what ultimately helped me trip and fall. The little kid in me had enough of not playing, not having fun, and couldn’t remember the last time she laughed so hard she couldn’t breathe and her cheeks ached from smiling.
We can also say that we saw our moments like this coming. We know they are coming, but what the fuck do we do? We keep going because, fuck, what else are we going to do?
As soon as question creeps in, all sorts of things get tossed into the air. Like bright light shining in all the dim corners of your life, you can finally see things for what they are and not how you think they are.
My breaking moment had me kneeling next to a toilet. There I was sobbing on my knees as I cleaned the toilet in our master bathroom. My husband is listening and being there for me. He simply gave me the space to get ugly – dig deep down and pull out all the tied-up emotions, all the horrible thoughts I’d squelched and concealed.
There was no longer any reason to hide from myself. Everything was out in the open like unwanted houseguests. I had to face them and put them someplace – or did I?
If I was truly going to do this differently, what would that look like? Fuck, I didn’t know.
I started by simply getting up and meditating once a day. And that’s when the synchronicity started happening.
On one of the guided meditations, the instructor talked about how she enjoyed 5 minutes of meditation a day and how her body looked forward to doing it. She looked forward to doing it. I committed right then to do at least 5 minutes a day. Heck, we have a room set up for just that sort of thing. We call it our ritual room or sometimes the massage room or the yoga room because it all happens in there. You know it has taken me 20 years to get this room, and I’ll be damned if I wasn’t going to use it.
For a few days, I just mediated and then went about my day.
It didn’t take long for my body to start wanting yoga as well. I have a member to Gaia.com and used a few morning yoga videos to get me going. For the past week, I have used the Thai Sun Salutation along with a few hip and lower back openers.
During the Yule time, I decided to write a ritual for Ray and me. I started going through my old books and resources, and something clicked. It was like I was thirsting for this, but I didn’t want to do this in the same old fashion. I let my instincts, muses, mysteries, and my friends, the spirits around this property, speak to and through me. What I created was a unique ritual that was so much fun to do.
That helped lighten my spirits and get me thinking about Bluegrasswitch.com. I got to playing around with the essentials of what I wanted to share and keep track of.
By now, I am reading Living the Wiccan life and reconnecting with the basics of rituals and religion. I was still defensive and thought the exercises were silly, but as our minds do, it turned. It said, but what if those exercises aren’t silly. What if they were a way to open yourself up gently? What if?
I gave it a shot. Now in addition to doing yoga in the morning, I do about 10 minutes of devotion to Ganesh and Durga, but really it is to myself.
I have found that 15 minutes of yoga and 10 minutes of devotion/meditation means I am a happier, calmer and more open person. I have found more ways to get through my menstrual cycle that didn’t include alcohol to ease my hormones. Instead, I have found an anti-anxiety herbal spray that takes away the anxiety that I didn’t know I had. I found that if I sit with my dog in the morning, he’ll eat his breakfast – which is amazing because he needs to eat more. I found that I don’t react so dang quickly. I allow things to flow more easily. When that happens, I find new solutions, new possibilities, and a new way to love myself.
During all this, a book I had pre-ordered in December showed up this week. It’s Transformative Witchcraft by Jason Mankey. I also stumbled upon a book on how to be more mindful in the kitchen. Then I searched for the seed mantra for Durga and stumbled up AwakeningWomen.com. I’m hooked on their lessons and teachings. I am now on a 21-day journey and taking their course Durga Sadhana.
Today, I talked with a friend about her teaching at FPG and wound up getting support for my new site. There is one of the many times when I find myself listening and believing in myself.
Do I know this will be a success? No. Do I care? Nope.
Then why do it? Because I can. Because I believe now is a time when we all need to speak up and be fucking real about who we are and what the fuck we want. Now is the time to step into what you want and who you are. I live in a place where there is no cohesive community for Pagans. I don’t know if I am meant to create that community or what, but it’s not right that we’re not more connected.
So, I’ve talked with a few friends in the area, and they are interested in joining us for rituals and get-togethers. I’ll be planning something, possibly once a month.
For now, I’m OK. I’m taking things as they come. Finding new ways to tackle old issues.
What does this have to do with being a witch? Everything and nothing. This is the telling of true events of my life and I happen to be a witch. If this helps you to relate to me and give you context of my life, good. If this kind of story resonates with you because you’re a witch and going through something similar, good.
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